hi, 2011

dear friends,

thus far we are praying for the giffords and other victims of the arizona shooting, trying to decide whether ricky gervais kicked ass or choked at the golden globes, and getting new zodiac signs. did anything else happen?

but yes i'm back. _till we have faces_ is sort of being phased out, for a few reasons (or it may go the open-to-invited-readers route). i dont think there's anything on here that most pple don't know already, but still...self-representation is a concern. isn't it always.

not going to the internet graveyard, though. we'll see.

love,
amy

blackbird, fly

(is that song running through your head now? it is, isn't it, reader.)

so i had the apartment to myself for three days and spent almost all of that time in front of the TV. i do not regret this decision now, nor will i later. to be honest i'll take happiness in almost any form in which it chooses to present itself. especially when i am supposed to be in new england writing and instead i have to be here just to hook myself up to a source of medicine.

that said...i know i'm a time-wasting idiot. i got zero writing done and zero medicaid applying done and zero job app work done. also improved zero people's lives and made zero children smile. actually had to go to bed early on Saturday night because i had a screen headache.

still don't regret it.

in the past whenever i've felt lost and sad and could access cable, i've fallen into ANTMarathons (ANTM, dear literary friends, is America's next Top Model). it's like opening a jar of vodka and chocolate. tyra is hilarious, and andre leon talley in his giant judging robes is the best thing to ever happen to that show, ever. it's all just great.

this show does interesting things to my self-esteem and body image. i'm 28 halfway to 29 and much too old for that sort of thing. i thought. i do live in NYC, though, where we're all perpetual adolescents. also my current non-love situation (unrequited love situation? i don't know. i'm not a situation, i'm a person. so gentlemen - chill out, please. worse things could happen than me liking you. my god. also, 'the situation' is a guy on _jersey shore_. and i'm not a problem, either. i may be *causing you* a problem. but this doesn't mean you can't be kind. okay, i didn't see that nerve being struck. yikes. apologies. however, do take my point.)...my current state is making me think about beauty and first sight and things like that.


tyra's into picking out odd and 'funny-looking' girls and letting them know how hot they are. we can all agree that this is awesome. not just TV-awesome (although it is that too, on occasion). and i think more and more shows are getting the point that there is a difference between koinophilia, evolution, symmetry, high cheekbones etcetera., and true beauty and goodness (which is so incredibly diverse).

then i wonder if i am believing this 'point' myself for the same non-reason i believe in a benevolent universe - because, absent any real evidence, i make a blind choice to believe in something just to keep myself breathing.
because so so so many people seem to think that if you're a woman and you're ugly, or just not-beautiful by any standard, your life is pointless and you should give up on everything. intelligent educated people actually think that.
this makes me very, very sad.

i don't turn heads, ever. but i figured out that if enough of the right people think i'm beautiful, i can get by okay in this world. (it's hard to describe who the 'right' people are, but in general - unbiased people that i'm fond of.)

keep me in your prayers. i will keep you in mine too.

love,
amy

reading this and crying

...god, why am i crying?

oh well.

Minnesota Thanksgiving
John Berryman

For that free Grace bringing us past great risks
& thro' great griefs surviving to this feast
sober & still, with the children unborn and born,
among brave friends, Lord, we stand again in debt
and find ourselves in the glad position: Gratitude.

We praise our ancestors who delivered us here
within warm walls all safe, aware of music,
likely toward ample & attractive meat
with whatever accompaniment
Kate in her kind ingenuity has seen fit to devise,

and we hope - across the most strange year to come -
continually to do them and You not sufficient honour
but such as we become able to devise
out of decent or joyful conscience & thanksgiving.
Yippee!
Bless then, as Thou wilt, this wilderness board.

heyyyy team

hi,
i was supposed to go to the Vermont studio center because i thought retreat would help cure me, but it turns out it's going to have to be health insurance and medicine.

damn.

i realllllly wanted a change of scenery. really really badly. i guess i have to do what/s best for my health in the long run. but this sucks.
love,
amy

the writing on the wall

friends,
there is writing on the wall in big giant block letters and i refuse to see it. i am holding out ridiculous hope for something that will never, ever happen. so i'm in a lot of pain, and usually this type of situation gets me in or dangerously close to the hospital. yet somehow i just won't accept the truth and move on. it's been a long time since i've wanted something this badly. and as i said - it is not possible.

if i shared the particulars with you, you'd agree. but i dont want to post it on the internet. e-mail me off the board if you can.
love
amy

so, tonight i am hosting my first benefit. i was supposed to host a secend one next week, but the location forgot and double-booked. so...plan B? let's hope.

send up prayers that i won't be preachy, that people will leave glad to be alive, and that our donations will benefit and encourage samaritans NYC, covenant house, and by extension the lonely, homeless, uninsured, sad and troubled New Yorkers (which is 99% of us).

love
amy

sweet autumn wind

dear friends,

today i am having to keep my curtains closed, although it is unreasonably beautiful. otherwise i will go outside and play. and i have more work to do than i even want to think about right now or ever. (just added 'find a reasonably priced health insurance plan so i don't have to go on disability' to the list below.) oddly, the more this work spirals around in my head, the more i do not want to do any of it.

i have faith, though. not in myself.

okay, fine, in myself.

and in God, however God manifests.

love,
amy