i know where i live and that i should probably be out doing some awesome free stuff...but really i don't want to do anything but sit here. My new life is terrifying. i hate it. i want the old life back.
It is next to impossible not to compare myself to other people. Seriously. We all do it. We ALL do it. You too. And it's the worst thing in the world for me, but so difficult to ignore.
And yes i am worried that i spend too much time writing when i really don't have that much talent, or trying to be with my friends when i really am not that good of a friend, or climbing up the ladder of awesomeness when it was probably never meant for me. i don't know. i am sad and scared and really really trying to get healthier but it's not working. i just want to love people. And pay rent. i can't help thinking that when awful things happen to me, i get what i deserve.
Of course, the REAL problem of justice, and the evidence that there is no justice in the world, is that millions of children who haven't done ANYTHING wrong are going to bed hungry, or get horrible diseases, and good hardworking people lose their jobs and get in accidents and people my age who have tried EVERY BIT AS MUCH AS I HAVE AND PROBABLY MUCH MORE are homeless and vulnerable and getting attacked. There's a pointless war and ridiculous starvation. Kids sleep under their beds because of gunshots or bombs going off or crazy abusive parents.
i don't know how i can compare my talent and situation to someone else's when the reality is that people surrounding me are in UNBELIEVABLE pain.
Still. As long as i do what i can to help, is it okay if i try to make it as a writer? i know i'm not half as good as lots of people who will never, ever get this opportunity. Maybe in time i can help turn things around for a great talent younger than me. i hope i hope.
all right, enough.
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