Saturday, October 30, 2010

sweet autumn wind

dear friends,

today i am having to keep my curtains closed, although it is unreasonably beautiful. otherwise i will go outside and play. and i have more work to do than i even want to think about right now or ever. (just added 'find a reasonably priced health insurance plan so i don't have to go on disability' to the list below.) oddly, the more this work spirals around in my head, the more i do not want to do any of it.

i have faith, though. not in myself.

okay, fine, in myself.

and in God, however God manifests.


Monday, October 25, 2010

but i will always have time to come out and play

i have a thesis to finish, a shit-ton of jobs and a few fellowships to apply for, a current job to keep, a room to sublet, a room to CLEAN, a roommate to inform that i might be subletting, two (2) benefit readings to make invitations for (is it tacky to put a 'suggested donation' on the invites? do i have to make all the introductions?), an apartment to clean before my mom gets here, an unrequited crush to nurse and recover from, a therapist to negotiate with, overdue library books to read and return, a hard drive to back up in case it $^(*ing crashes again, an nyc 'exit strategy' or staying-plan to come up with, a billion other things i'm forgetting, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'M SWAMPED.

somehow this does not preclude Treehouse nights, long walks through Chelsea, randome readings, sleep, facebook. ephemera, ephemera.

'how we live our days is how we live our lives'. fuckin' A it is.

i should feel more stressed, but i just don't.

p.s. also a soul to keep from going under. this sort of takes priority over everything else. (earning money insomuch as it allows me to maintain the lifestyle that keeps my soul from going under. et cetera.)
p.p.s. i do feel stressed. but in a weird rest-of-my-life way, not in a get-this-shit-done-by-next-week way. not in the way that is productive.

Friday, October 22, 2010

the sun fled for the evening and so too shall i

Dear friends,

my internet activity disturbs me. it's not conventionally disturbing. in terms of content it's fairly innocuous. i don't even want to tell you all the sites i've never visited.

more disturbing as a window into my mind and a window into my time spent. Francis Chan: "How we live our days is how we live our lives."

evidently i live my life on quirky indie media and following current/past unrequited loves and flight of the conchords videos.

unrelated maybe: i think we are trying the 'kitchen sink' plan with my meds because they just upped my dosage again. also in january i have to go to st. luke's. i don't mind telling you that i am scared. i'm not dying (though i kind of felt like i was last night) but i am feeling my mortality very very keenly, these days.

i prefer that to dullness, though.

for real. i think i'd rather have tomorrow be the last day of my life than have all the subsequent days be stupid and boring and unrelenting in their misery and not have anything redeeming in them. (or even just enough redeeming things to cause pain.)

that was a strange thing to say on the internet.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

no, seriously

after a certain hour i couldn't talk tonight. i was just afraid of what would come out my mouth. unless i had something quite short and specific to say.

lots of pain, lots of joy. the one overshadows the other.


Sunday, October 17, 2010

those who work, those who fight, those who pray

@matthew lafferty: yes, the invitation absolutely still stands. sorry i haven't gotten back to you on that. i've been all-kinds of lazy around here.
bethany h.'s birthday was yesterday. i need to phone the higginbothams, i slept like that entire day & i forgot to do it.

you guys think i'm exaggerating the massive amounts of sleep i get. maybe i am trying to store up sleep so i'll be all bright-eyed and whatever for when my life changes, presumably in the future soon. or maybe it is *just* *that* *hard* for me to go online and do all the things i told my therapist i would do.

can you believe it's october??!? 95 theses, pumpkin ice cream, jackets and free-smelling air. i went jogging by the hudson today. dear god, may i always live near water.

i am sad i don't work at PS41 this year.


Thursday, October 7, 2010


Dear friends,

i'm going to start prefacing everything i type with a # or an @. for instance:

beautiful beautiful weather out! #reasonstobecontent

i need to spend most of this day on my computer inside #dammit

need to save money so i can go to vermont #worries

if you're single, please go out with me. you are so cute. @demetrimartin


There are worse ways to organize your thoughts, probably.


Friday, October 1, 2010

after all that

dreamed i was shopping in a more-or-less abandoned grocery store, and there was a large floor-area in front where two little girls were spending the night. one of them was in a box with a bunch of blankets. they both seemed pretty content.

someone is trying to tell me something.

shelter from the storm

Dear friends,

i have a lot of work to do. it's raining. clearly a good day to blog. and write long e-mails to everybody. and chip away at world hunger at (they have 60 levels of vocabulary. i can only handle about half of them.)

dreamed that i was part of, like, this big Old Order Amish wedding, and the patriarch corrected my biblical knowledge and then made a pass at me. then i went to the library at morningside heights and i thought it was closed, but it wasn't and i got a bunch of books. the title story in one of them was called "reek and the copycat". huh.

also, my friend bethany keeps appearing in my dreams. she was at the amish wedding (which was really more like a dance/party/ceremonial thing). there was dancing. it was awesome. so carefree, like it never is in life.

but the patriarch still creeps me out.