Tuesday, May 25, 2010

morphine, baby

Dear friends,

This forum isn't meant to be me whining about how bad i feel, or my character flaws or whatever. Right now i am in enough pain to want a morphine drip, even though most of it's not anywhere physical. i just want a narcotic or a sedative or whatever it would take for this feeling to stop for good. Or for now.

i am not a patient person. i don't want to give treatment time to work, or keep hammering on doors, or wait this period in my life out. And i'm lazy, so i don't want to do the work it evidently takes to feel better (which is what, by the way? i've done the meditating and long walks and good movies thing. Those all end.)

i know i'm never going to get back the life i had, in Columbus or at school here, or at Kenyon, or in Baltimore. Those were all good times and i miss them fervently. Every f$#^(*ing time i blog on here it ends up being a long insufferable aria about how i miss certain people it would take too much time to name.

Dear readers - if you are in this kind of pain, you are not alone. And you are absolutely not weak. Just know that, and take some small consolation in it.

Does somebody want to come up to the Heights? - if you don't have a morphine drip, i will also accept a few seasons of Curb your Enthusiasm on DVD.

i realise i'm incredibly open on this blog. Probably to my detriment. i am trying to learn what this kind of pain and fear and sadness has to teach me. And so i'm trying to be open to it. But i'd really prefer the morphine.


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